xmenfirstkink | round 3 overflow post

Wallowing in my own stupidity, Erik thinks, but does not say; instead he reaches out to the nearest lump of scrap iron and presses it between his palms as he thinks, rolls it into a ball and stretches it out again, over and over. It catches underneath his fingernails, smears across his skin when he makes it too liquid, and it takes concentration to firm it up again to something more the consistency of modelling clay, or play-doh, malleable but not dripping. “I’m working, Charles.”

“You bloody well are not, you liar.” There is a barely-audible sigh. “Look. I’m sorry if I seemed unappreciative. It really was a very thoughtful thing for you to do, and I’m grateful, Erik. Would you please open up? Or at least turn the lights on in there if you’re going to pretend that you’re doing something, I can see it’s dark in there through the gap under the door.”

Enough of this.

Charles jerks backward when Erik opens the door without warning, nearly tripping over his own feet, and Erik snaps out a hand to grab at the other man’s upper arm to catch him, letting go only once Charles is steady again. “Look,” he says, folding his arms and making himself meet Charles’ eyes, keeping his expression as neutral as possible. “Look. You don’t have to pretend to be happy. You don’t have to pretend to like anything you don’t, you don’t have to placate me if you think I’m angry with you. Don’t say things you don’t mean. Don’t play games.”

“What,” Charles says bluntly, and stares at Erik wide-eyed and flabbergasted, putting his hands on his hips and leaning forward into Erik’s space, somehow looming despite his short stature, “are you talking about, you madman? When have I ever pretended to like something I didn’t? First you’re complaining that I’m complaining about not being happy cooped up in here for months, and now you’re complaining that I’m not complaining? Erik, we’ve done that conversation to death already. Forgive me for not wanting to hash it out every moment of every day.”

“It’s not that.” Erik looks away down the hall, back towards the living room and the mountains of paper where they’re spread around the floor, hidden from here by distance and furniture. “I don’t want you to feel that you have to - ”

“Erik, shut up,” Charles says, and reaches up to clasp Erik’s face, one hand on either side turning him back to look at Charles. “That’s not why - I promise I’ll never do something I don’t want to just to - what was your word? - placate you. I might be stuck in a tower but I’m not a delicate little princess, alright? I am quite happy to tell you when to fuck off. Can we be done with this now?”

“How can you be sure?” There is a long silence between them after Erik speaks, Charles’ palms still warm against his cheeks, and each word that follows drops into the quiet like a pebble into water, one after another. “How do you know that you’re not just telling yourself that, to make it easier?”

“Fuck off,” Charles says, and does not look away.

“That doesn’t really answer my question.”

“Then fuck off again,” Charles says, and when he smiles, tentative and slow, Erik lets his head droop so that his forehead leans against Charles’, breath mingling on a sigh.

XXI

“I don’t know,” Charles whispers later in the dead of night, “but I hope not,” and Erik keeps his eyes closed and pretends not to hear him.

XXII

He knows as soon as he walks in the next day that something is wrong. Raven and Charles’ heads jerk guiltily upright from where they’re sitting tight tangled together on the couch, his arms around her shoulders and hers twined around his waist, her head tucked under Charles’ chin and both of them tear-streaked.

“What’s happened?” Erik asks sharply, looking from one to the other for any clue, but there are none; he wonders if Azazel has done something, or if there is something wrong with the baby, or if -

“The Resistance burned down the mansion,” Raven says in a voice thick with crying, and squeezes her brother’s waist tighter as Charles winces with shared pain, digging his chin into the top of her head and not so much as trying to wipe his wet face.

I really need to stop reading all these 'Charles in captivity', angsty, depressing, maddening stories and stick to fluffy, happy, normal types...

Oh, God, did I just say normal?

Help me! Give me more! I need more of this now or the fluff will take me!!!

Mae

Hee! It will be coming, but it might be another week or so. Don't worry, I won't be abandoning this :)

There's a very big part of me that wants nothing more than to slap some sense into both boys, but I know that it won't really help.

They each have so much that they aren't telling each other, even if they can fall into something physical together, it's not a relationship. That emotional distance is going to be worse the longer they each play that game. It's like one step forward and another two back when they make some progress.

The major problem they have more than anything is that Erik has been so badly burned before, by basically everyone, that it's like he's always waiting for the slap. He can't quite trust Charles not to change his mind, or to be doing things for ulterior motives, because nobody else ever has.

And Charles is stuck there, no matter how well-intentioned, and so he's trying to make sure he doesn't fall for Erik just because Erik is keeping him there. It makes it difficult for them to fully connect without each of them worrying about the other.

Maybe you should give them both a slap anyway, see if it knocks something loose :D

Re: FILL: Everyday Love in Stockholm 124/?

afrocurl.livejournal.com - 2012-01-21 16:26 (UTC) - Expand

Re: FILL: Everyday Love in Stockholm 124/?

tahariel.livejournal.com - 2012-01-21 16:55 (UTC) - Expand

Alright, I suppose it's about time I do a proper review and out myself while doing it, since I think you're doing me the same courtesy. More than that, this fanfiction really is my favorite in the entire fandom. Not just amongst the captivity fics or the dystopian fics, but the entire fanfiction sub-genre of the fandom. Since I work better in a sort of list format, we'll go with that.

Erik

As we've already discussed, I adore the approach you take with your third person-limited perspective. I really do get entirely engrossed in Erik's perspective when I read an update from you. There's something dark about being in his psyche, with vague edges of brokenness. But I think the best part is the way that you use that. You show, you don't tell, and despite the fact it's from Erik's perspective we learn about Erik through those around him—particularly Charles and Raven, I feel. You never really write Erik just sitting there thinking about his past or his scars or his baggage, and that's believable. No one sits around thinking extensively about the bad in their lives, not typically at least, and Erik doesn't either.

We discover Erik through your perspective of him, the way that he weaves himself into the lives of these other characters. We learn about him through what he gives away and what he doesn't, the intricate way that you write his emotions and what he expresses and what he hides. The development of his character is believable, from personal vendetta to soldier on the forefront of mutant rights and supremacy to uncertain but determined ruler. And that same development seeps into his personal life, carrying the reader along through waves of time where he's suffering unrequited love, painful acceptance of his own loneliness, growing affection for Charles, to possessive lover. And the growing affection for Charles seeps over very well in this chapter to his relationship with Rogue. You can tell that Erik's finally seeing her and appreciating her, using her to get more understanding.

But he isn't without his flaws, his imperfections and insecurities. He tries, but he's hard on himself. I was discussing a few days ago with my RP partner about the likeliness of Erik being a Pisces, and one of the things that websites said was “No one is harder on the Pisces than the Pisces itself.” I think, regardless of zodiac sign, this is true of your incarnation. No matter what he does, Erik will see the bad in it, see his shortcomings, and that makes him almost unbearably relateable. It makes him real, and his characterization solid.

Style

I love reading your style. It's always hard to put into words exactly what I get out of it, because I'm worried I'll say the wrong thing, but I'm envious of how you work. The way that you string things together is absolutely inspiring. I think a lot of authors spend a lot of time trying to make every sentence make an impact, which gets tedious. Your style is so powerful because the right sentences—sometimes the ones you don't expect—punch you right in the face. This is one of those fanfictions that I read and I end up smiling without realizing it, or frowning, or flexing my fingers in nervous habit. You're brilliant, and it shows through the way that you use your words.

I also think the way that you don't keep a consistent method with your sections is excellent. The sections that are just a sentence or two really do their job of punctuating what you want to punctuate. Or at least, I assume that's their purpose. I know sometimes I write things and think—hope—wonder if the audience is getting what I meant for them to get out of it. Half the time they get even more and I'm not entirely sure how they do that. But I digress, the point is that you keep the powerful themes punching through. Things echo in my head sometimes from when you update, and since I'm in Erik's head space I'm always wondering if those same things echo for him.

World

I don't know if I can properly say how much I envy this world that you've set up. It's complicated, but I think you handle it in such a way that I don't get lost in the jargon. Sometimes, with other fics, I think the author spends so much time developing the world that they forget their readers probably haven't done as much research on the subject as they have. And while I'm all for teaching readers things through pushing them to look up references, when the entire world is painted in textbook knowledge, it just gets overbearing. You don't do that, and I'm infinitely thankful. Seriously, bby, you don't even know.

We're showed the important parts of the world—the ones that matter to our key characters—and that's all that we really need. You don't hold it over us that there's this not-quite-our-world out there, but instead let us see it in increments. We see it the way Erik—the way any political leader—sees it. It can't be big picture all the time, that's overwhelming, so we see the important details. The strategies for the Battle of New York were easy to understand without being dumbed down in the slightest. Your work really showed through (I remember you did some research for that one), but you didn't drag it out either. The battle was breathtaking without being arduous, I remember being very tense throughout it and I loved the way you used the mutants at Erik's disposal.

Charles & Erik

Of course I wasn't going to write a review without pumping up how well you handle these two. Your transition is...beyond words, honey. I don't even know how to begin. You put a vice grip on my hear with these two and then loosen and tighten it depending on whichever way the wind blows. In this update I was flailing over Erik's keen acknowledgment of the fact that Charles is still a captive. It's something that, as a man with a conscience, must not be easy to handle. I couldn't imagine keeping anyone, let alone someone I've come to love, away from the world even if it was for their own good. His motives and his resolution to protect Charles are strong, but we see the cracks in him—we saw a few of them in this update.

I also enjoy how Charles is still resistant. As he said, he isn't “a delicate little princess” and treating him like one wouldn't be doing him any favors. I think your characterization of him, even though we don't get to see him any other way than through Erik's lens, is alarmingly good. He doesn't want to just lie down and take it, but he knows it's for the best. And yet, he's still captive, so what does that matter? If I were Charles, I would be shifting my weigh the same way we see him doing; I wouldn't know which end was up. It's unrealistic to think that he would either. I feel like, even though we don't see in Charles' mind, we get a sense of him, and that makes him all the more intriguing and unnerving to Erik.

Erik's love is possessive, and Charles is completely accurate in being uncertain of it, of Erik, and of his situation. The fact that he didn't try to gloss over it, even if Erik didn't realize it (I'm not sure Charles realized it either), was sort of a 'fuck off.' He was being honest, because that's who he is. Of course he can be thankful and uncertain at the same time; nothing in that tiny little apartment is ever all that stable. I think it's just heartbreaking that reality that he could be telling himself any number of things to keep away the pressure of his situation. After all, that's how things like Stockholm Syndrome and Learned Helplessness happen. The mind is a tricksey piece of machinery.

So, in general, I think this was a great update, but it's also a great fanfiction in general. I can't wait to see how things turn out in the end, even if I'm fairly certain my heart won't be able to handle all the feelings. Just let me know if you need any Skittles to keep you going. I make no promises on the raw meat.

-xo Cosh

Re: God this turned into an essay or something. [2/2]

tahariel.livejournal.com - 2012-01-21 12:46 (UTC) - Expand

Re: God this turned into an essay or something. [2/2]

(Anonymous) - 2012-01-21 18:01 (UTC) - Expand

Re: God this turned into an essay or something. [2/2]

tahariel.livejournal.com - 2012-01-22 20:47 (UTC) - Expand

So I sat down this afternoon to read this fic, thinking, "maybe I'll take a break to do this and be inspired to write at some point." Let me tell you, I have gotten absolutely nothing done since then, except that I now have a very sore ass.

I ain't even mad, though.

Hee, thank you so much! I love Utopia - I have a creeping feeling I've not commented, which I will have to rectify, so sorry if I haven't. I am a terrible person.

I'm really glad you're enjoying the fic :)

I'm so very, very glad that I saw the art for this on my dashboard!! :) what gorgeous, gorgeous intuitive and clever writing. Such a treat. I'd expound on particulars, when I'm feeling less incoherent.

Also!! following the prompt to the letter... one could in theory pull a Lazarus!Raven and still satisfy, no? prettyprettyprettyplease.

Devoured the whole thing. Can't wait for more. This from a devout WIPphobe! xD

♥

Thank you so much! I'm all blushing now, that's so lovely of you to say. I'm glad you're enjoying it despite being a WIPphobe, but I promise it's going to be finished. (I want to see what happens, too!)

On the Raven front, I am keeping my lips tightly sealed, sorry :D

Oh, poor Charles. I love the Schrödinger's declaration of love thing—it's very Erik, and very heartbreaking. :/

Heh, using Azazel to confront religious types, that's devious.

Can't you just imagine their faces when the Devil tells them they've been naughty?

So after seeing the fanart for this story on tumblr I thought I would check it out and where I thought I would just read a little bit I ended up reading all 124 parts straight through : | The story kept ripping my heart apart and gluing it back together I love it and can not wait for more.

Hee, thank you! I'm glad you like it :)

Is it stalkerish of me to admit that the only reason I stayed up past midnight was to see if there'd be an update to this story? Yes? Thought so. Oh well, no point in denying it.

Another brilliant update from you has my mind spinning, emotions all over the place and anticipation for the next update through the roof.

As usual you capture the complexities of the characters, apart and together, incredibly well. I can see where they connect, where they miscommunicate, how great they can be together and how troubling their situation is. It's this wonderful mish-mash of what should be versus what is, with them clinging to moments of near perfection in the midst of so much that's wrong. Theirs is a tragic love and it leaps off the page -- your command of this verse in your writing is second to none.

I love that Erik genuinely believes, more often than not, that he's doing the right thing, by his fellow mutants and by Charles. He has compartmentalized everything, detaching Charles from all other humans and setting him up in his own separate world. Yet he can see where he's falling short and it's fascinating watching him try, in his own way (sometimes falling short, but trying nonetheless) to do something right for Charles, as if subconsciously trying to prove to himself that he's someone deserving of Charles' love. When they have the misunderstanding/fight and Erik tells Charles not to play games with him it's the second (maybe more?) time he's said that -- it reveals and reminds us of his vulnerability, hidden beneath his commanding bravado, that he's unworthy, he's been rejected before, now he's giving his heart to Charles and if Charles pushes him away...it will crush him.

That's power in Charles' court that Charles doesn't necessarily realize he has. But in conjunction with his insistence that he will always voice how he feels, that he's not into placating Erik, we're reminded of Charles' strength of mind. He's very self-aware -- locked up in a tower but he's not helpless.

With that said I adore the moment between them when Erik questions how Charles can say for certain that he believes what he's saying rather than trying to convince himself. The truth is, there's no telling. The wonderful follow up moment is when they're in bed, Erik pretends to sleep and Charles admits that he doesn't know the answer but he hopes he's still in control of his thoughts and feelings in their most genuine form. Again his strength of mind and character shine through. At the same time his own uncertainty is a call back to how fucked up the whole situation is, how it's keeping them all topsy-turvy, causing havoc for what could/should be a beautiful love story had circumstances been different.

Ahahaha, a little, but I love it. Stalk me all you like, I'll put some dinner outside on the step for you :D

As always, such a lovely, thoughtful comment. I'm a terrible commenter (I think a lot about stories but find it hard to articulate in comments, I'm better at discussing them) so is it weird to admit that I admire your commenting skills?

I'm so far down Erik's particular rabbit hole that I have Stockholm Syndrome myself, and one of the things I'm really convinced of is that everything Erik does is the best option he has for the situation he's in, regardless of how unhealthy it all is. It's an unhealthy situation all around, and it's not one he's manufactured himself - everything he does is to keep Charles safe. He can't let him go, because if he does Charles will die. So it's the lesser of two evils.

Erik is a man who has been burned so many times by so many people that he just cannot, cannot bring himself to trust anyone entirely, and it makes it so difficult for him because he really does love Charles, but he cannot, cannot quite convince himself that Charles won't change his mind, or leave him, or be doing what he does for some hidden motive. Every time Erik takes a step forward it's an exercise in bravery of its own kind, and then something will happen and he'll step right back quicker than anything, because he knows what happens if he's wrong.

Charles doesn't really understand that, yet. He's more concerned with making sure he himself is reacting of his own free will and not under the influence of his captivity. So they just keep missing each other. It's painful, but it's also the only way these two people the way I've written them can react to one another.

BLARGH! Oh god....this is so good, but I feel so tense every time I read it, like stepping onto a rollercoaster...I feel like I have to amp myself up and prepare myself for a tumultuous ride...but I can't NOT read it!!!!

This section was so interesting because it marked (for me at least), a turning point in the story--the point in which Erik realizes what he's doing to Charles and actively continues to do it....all the decisions he makes to keep Charles in the dark, knowing that Charles might leave again and purposefully manipulating him so as to keep him in the apartment, and then finally, that conversation, voicing the whole scary situation aloud, and then later, when Charles responds, pretending not to hear him....just, the character development here is astounding...and for the first time I felt distanced from Erik...like, all along, I didn't always AGREE with him, but I understood where he was coming from...I got it, and I stood by him, and now...I get where it's coming from, but I can't stand with him anymore....it's...almost difficult, breaking away from him like that! I think I'm way too invested lol

And CHARLES! Oh god. I adore your Charles (I'm sure I've said it before) because even while all of this is going on, he's still fighting, he's still strong, and he's AWARE of what's happening, and just...trying to make the best of it...I think that's what I love about your writing...these are SMART men. They know what's going on, and they're not trying to fool themselves, or really, each other. But they're both caught in this thing together, and it's progressed to the point that really, how can they leave each other? Seriously, how? I don' t think they can....and Erik definitely doesn't want to.....oh geeze.....KILLING ME HERE!!

sorry this is so rambling....it's 5 am here and I haven't slept, but I needed to read this....I love it so much, even when it's breaking my heart...

Hmm, see, this is really interesting, because it's interesting to me to find out the point at which people start to separate from Erik and disagree with what he does.

Disclaimer time: I live inside his head so much that I have Stockholm Syndrome for Erik, too. Because see, for me, his actions here are dictated by his fear of losing Charles, the same as he always has been. He literally cannot make a decision that might mean Charles leaves him - not only leaves him, but in Erik's mind leaves him and dies. How can he tell Charles something that might result in that? (is what Erik is thinking here.) And not listening to Charles' whisper is less about Charles and more about not wanting to listen to the thing that he, Erik, fears most - that Charles' feelings for him aren't genuine.

By the way, this doesn't mean that I disagree with you! I just love talking about this stuff, sorry 0-0

I think they're both just trapped in this terrible situation trying to make the right decisions, when all the choices they have are bad. I'm really pleased you're still enjoying it even if it is painful!

I can still remember reading this WIP where it still ended up in part twenty-something and look at it now... a hundred parts later! wow, Tahariel, we both came a long way and I'm so glad that this story is getting more interesting and intriguing as it progresses. Charles, was first, just Raven's human brother and now... look at them! Erik&Charles are now a thing! WEEEEE~ (this is obviously not a useful, coherent review... I just feel quite nostalgic is all! HAH)

I feel like we've battled through an epic war together, darling :D Thank you for sticking with me!

There were parts in this update where my heart actually ached. These lines:
“I love you,” Erik says just before the elevator arrives, steps inside and does not wait to see if Charles says it back, because if he doesn’t know, then there is an equal chance that he did as that he didn’t. That little bit of uncertainty keeps him warm through his meetings, lets him congratulate the team on their excellent work in difficult circumstances and if he doesn’t think about it then it’s easy to be sure that Charles would have said it, if Erik had waited.

Just, good GOD. You write Erik's uncertainty and desperation so, so well and it breaks my heart every single time. This story just seems so real to me and with every update I see the characters less as characters and more as people. Gorgeous, wonderful update, and, as always, I can't wait for more.

This is so lovely, thank you! You made me all blushy and smiley :)

"I can't decide if this is wonderful or awful." Charles looks back down at the mess around him, and Erik stiffens, the swelling sense of success punctured in an instant and turning to ash in his mouth.

This rather sums up nicely their relationship for me. I think I've finally resigned myself to this ending badly. Or at least in a fucked up mess that no one walks away from unscathed. God, there is a reason I only read fluff and romance and crack. Angst and me are so not friends. You're killing me here. Killing me. My poor, poor heart, but it's like a train wreck, I just can't walk away.

Re: FILL: Everyday Love in Stockholm 124/?

tahariel.livejournal.com - 2012-01-21 13:06 (UTC) - Expand

With every installment of this Erik and Charles just descend by another tiny increment - Erik in all the ways he's manipulating Charles, and Charles in convincing himself that this whole situation is in some sense normal (despite his protestations of "I don't know".). It's fascinating to watch!

Re: FILL: Everyday Love in Stockholm 124/?

tahariel.livejournal.com - 2012-01-21 13:06 (UTC) - Expand

FILL: Everyday Love in Stockholm 124/?

Re: FILL: Everyday Love in Stockholm 124/?

Re: FILL: Everyday Love in Stockholm 124/?

Re: FILL: Everyday Love in Stockholm 124/?

Re: FILL: Everyday Love in Stockholm 124/?

God this turned into an essay or something. [1/2]

God this turned into an essay or something. [2/2]

Re: FILL: Everyday Love in Stockholm 124/?

Re: FILL: Everyday Love in Stockholm 124/?

Re: FILL: Everyday Love in Stockholm 124/?

Re: FILL: Everyday Love in Stockholm 124/?

Re: FILL: Everyday Love in Stockholm 124/?

Re: FILL: Everyday Love in Stockholm 124/?

Re: FILL: Everyday Love in Stockholm 124/?

Re: FILL: Everyday Love in Stockholm 124/?

Re: FILL: Everyday Love in Stockholm 124/?

Re: FILL: Everyday Love in Stockholm 124/?

Re: FILL: Everyday Love in Stockholm 124/?

Re: FILL: Everyday Love in Stockholm 124/?

Re: FILL: Everyday Love in Stockholm 124/?

Re: FILL: Everyday Love in Stockholm 124/?

Re: FILL: Everyday Love in Stockholm 124/?

Re: FILL: Everyday Love in Stockholm 124/?

Re: FILL: Everyday Love in Stockholm 124/?

Re: FILL: Everyday Love in Stockholm 124/?