xmenfirstkink | round 3 overflow post

It would be so easy to say yes, to give him what he wants, to earn a smile that spreads across Charles’ mobile face, to light up those eyes and not worry about the consequences of agreeing, except that the only thing Erik fears more than failing the nation of people under his care is losing Charles, enough that sometimes he wakes up and has to lie about his dreams so that Charles won’t know how many times he’s seen those same eyes wide and staring and emptied of love, how many ways. Bullets, fire, sickness, accidents - or even just Charles choosing for once and for all to walk away, sick of Erik and his bullshit and his possessiveness, getting out somehow and vanishing, never letting Erik know if he’s alive or dead, just disappearing one day, as though he’d never been here at all.

“Wouldn’t you need credentials?” he asks, and hates himself for saying it when Charles’ face falls, clearly not having got so far as to realise that a pseudonym wouldn’t have any, wouldn’t be able to prove their bona fides.

“Quite right,” Charles says, slowly, and when he leans forward into Erik it’s not like he wanted at all, limp and defeated, face hidden in the crook of his neck, though he can feel the expression Charles is wearing, anyway, crumpled in on itself. “Quite right, damn you.” And he makes a stifled sound of frustration into Erik’s chest, wordless, a string of stymied vowels. “God damn it.”

There has to be a way to make it better, Erik thinks, but he has no idea what it is. “I could show it to McCoy,” he says before he can think better of it, and immediately wishes he hadn’t, because Charles’ head rises slowly from its sag, curious hope stirring on that beloved face. “I can’t promise anything, Charles. I can’t tell him it’s yours or where it came from, and if he asks too many questions then I can’t keep doing it, but I can see if he can use it, at least.”

“Henry McCoy is the young man you keep stealing my journals from, is that right?” Charles’ expression is lightening as he watches, despair seeping away like a drain has been opened. “He’s really very clever, Erik, you should give him more responsibility. He leaves these notes in the journals sometimes - I feel quite bad about your appropriating them actually, because he clearly intends to go back to some of them - ”

“Never mind McCoy,” Erik says, and kisses Charles, pressing his mouth against Charles’ and stroking Charles’ tongue with his own. He swallows Charles’ sounds of mild protest, tugging him closer where they’re both now leant against the counter, and nips at the swell of his lower lip until Charles melts into it, bringing up his hands to cup Erik’s face and kiss him back. Ink-stained thumbs caress Erik’s cheekbones as though they are something precious, Charles leaning in against him until they are pressed all along one another, warm bodies nested together, and Erik never, ever wants him to stop forgiving Erik for all the things he has to do to keep Charles safe.

LIX

Sometimes Erik hates the fact that he loves that he has, by default, become nearly everything to Charles. But that’s hard to remember when they’re not fighting, when he feels like he has everything he has ever wanted.

Alright, so this review will suck compared to my usual ones but BLAH. I'm a bit scatterbrained and I have my own things that I should be writing. But you definitely deserve a review, since this was awesome (as usual) and I know how much you were stressing out about it.

It is very politics heavy, but before you start worrying about that, don't worry at all. You balance it all out as perfectly as you have before and it's beautiful and awesome. I just adore it. A lot of the politics stuff is over my head, but I think the way that you incorporate Charles into it and Erik's personal life and his mental shifts is great. It makes it a perfect blend of politics and personal, which now makes it sound like some sort of coffee that I'm trying to sell or something. Maybe a brand of wine or something. I don't know.

I'm still adoring your characterization, but I think my love for Charles is just tearing me apart even more. I adore him, and I feel for him. I understand what Erik's doing and why he has to do it, but it still ruins me. I still want it to be simple enough that Charles can have his life back, can have some fragment of his life back. Because he really is going insane, as well as sinking further into depression. He's fighting it hard, but it's basically like trying to fight through water. No matter how hard you push at it, you're still surrounded.

I think I felt more for Charles than Erik in this update, which is interesting since I often understand Erik's views and what he's doing and why. But this time around you really turned me on my head. I'm concerned, more than anything, for Charles. I just don't know how this is all going to turn out for him, because he really can't do this forever. It's impractical and he's not the sort of person who can survive living this way for the rest of his life. Or at least, not happily, not fully. It comes back down to that "he can survive but he can't live" kind of thing. And who is Charles, really, if he's not alive? He certainly won't be the man that Erik's fallen for.

I also think, even as Erik sort of has this love-hate relationship with keeping Charles captive, he wouldn't want to break Charles--accidentally or otherwise. But he doesn't have a lot of options, and I suppose I'm just as frustrated by that as I am by the fact that Charles is slowly losing is practicality about the situation. It's one thing to know what's the best for him, but it's another to suffer through actually living it. I couldn't imagine waking up and just being in my apartment every day for years. I mean, I prefer it, but I have the option of leaving.

I just get so frustrated for him. And if your chapter was too heavy in politics, then I wouldn't have all these feels!

-xo Cosh

This review doesn't suck, thank you for it bb, because I really needed something like this. I did struggle a little bit with my feelings about this chapter, so to hear you like it helps a lot :)

I was talking about the fic with a friend recently and the conclusion I came to was that it's really about the shades of grey here, so that you can feel pity for Charles while utterly understanding why Erik has to do what he does. And that's why it's hard (and hard to write!)

Erik is trying so hard, but he just doesn't really know how not to break things, because he's never had to try before. So as little as he wants to, he's hamhanded about it.

Hold on with me, my darling, and soon, soon... :D

This is just getting more and more uncomfortable to read because fandom made me a) impatient and b) expecting a happy end. And there is right now way too much rubble to build anything from.

Aaaah, trying not to give spoilers, but. Hold on for me and wait and see. I know where we're going :)

Crap...LJ ate my first attempt at a response as I was writing it....let's try this again.

One of the many upsides to taking a vacation day is that I could read this story immediately instead of waiting to get home.

The balance between the political and personal, the international and the domestic, works perfectly here. As usual there's a strong connection, parallel, bond between what goes on in the big wide world and within the apartment. What's fascinating is that despite the difference in scale, both are of equal importance (for Erik)...and I'd argue that the personal is slowly pulling ahead. It puts Erik in a particularly interesting spot. Not only is he trying to balance the needs and expectations of mutants worldwide, but he has to take into account Charles' life, Erik's own desires (and conflicting emotions). That kind of layered complexity is what sets this story, like a few others, apart -- these characters feel real.

How interesting to see Charles and Erik arguing, debating, disagreeing without it devolving into defensiveness. There's a time when Erik would have gone the route of a knee-jerk reaction, but now we can see that he values Charles' opinion, his intelligence. Where Erik is a realist (almost too cynically so), Charles is an idealist (almost too naively so). Those differing viewpoints are a perfect counterbalance. Both keep the other in check but they also force the other (and themselves) to think beyond a comfort zone and realize the immensity of what needs to be dealt with.

One of my favourite scenes is when they're in bed together and Erik wakes up from his nightmare. He and Charles have a quiet but incredibly important discussion, paralleling the new world order with what happened during WWI. What's telling is that they can have this discussion, see the value in, feel it on a personal level, and Erik DOESN'T get defensive, but is reflective. He sees the similarities. Charles doesn't sugarcoat it. They both see the vicious cycle of the oppressed becoming the oppressor -- a tale as old as time, whether it involves humans and/or mutants. It's the very fact that they can talk about it that I think bode somewhat well for their relationship -- whether things end on a good or bad note. They see the truth in each other, no blinders, no dressing things up pretty.

The moment here where they do get into a near full blown fight is when it comes down to the more personal -- Charles wanting to publish his work, wanting to be doing something instead of losing his identity to cabin fever and fucked up politics. And Erik can appreciate that but is also hyper aware of what needs to be done and maintained to protect what he loves and to retain some semblance of balance, of control.

And that need for control bleeds into his growing possessiveness with Charles (and, again, I love that you have Erik aware of this to a certain degree). As someone who felt unworthy of love for much of his life, having Charles return his feelings is both awe-inspiring and nerve wracking. Even though it means Erik has a weakness, something worth losing, something that could destroy him, he's also continuing to manifest the situation, WANTING to be the centre of Charles' world, wanting something for himself not sullied by all the other bullshit even though this very situation is a consequence of it. If I recall correctly in one of earliest chapters Erik had considered getting Charles a cat for company but decided against it because he didn't want to fight for attention, love...sounds similar to his jealousy towards Kurt (not in a cruel way, but in a pretty natural way).

Why do I feel like Charles' publishing his work (through Hank, under a false name) is going to be the start of a whole new set of dominoes falling? His work will be recognizable enough, motivating enough for underground humans and mutants who are not totally down with the "fuck the humans" brigade. Imagine that -- Charles work (unintentionally) being the catalyst for humans to band together and reestablish a leadership that can serve as a representative against Magneto...hmmmm...and with Charles and Erik living together, in love...hmmmmm....fasten your seatbelts. This could be a bumpy ride :-)

Ahahahaha, I can't sneak anything past you XD Yes, there's a big sea change in this update in how they relate to one another and in how they react to each others' points of view, in that they're really working in tandem so much more now, debating instead of arguing. Even when they disagree, they accept each other and their viewpoints enough to give them fair consideration. Especially for Erik, this is a huge step.

(And yes, the jealousy over Kurt is totally a throwback - or forward - to the kitten thoughts.)

As to your last paragraph... no comment :D

I love everything about this story. The tone, the texture, the details, the world-building, it's all so beautifully constructed. I find Erik's work fascinating -- he really is trying so hard to do what's best for everyone. I didn't expect to see him as a good leader of this new world but I truly think he is! Magneto rules the world (country, anyway) and it works out well? What fresh hell is this?! Not that he's perfect, at all, but he's trying so very hard. I love that he listens to Charles, and I feel for him so much when he has to say no and no and no because he has to, even while I feel for Charles starting to get more and more stir-crazy.

I really liked the way you handled Kurt's name. That's such an odd, odd thing, Kurt's name, a trivial coincidence made into a flaming red WTF? by the new First Class canon! He was supposed to be named after Charles, sniffle. I worry about the kiddo, though. There's going to be a dangerous window there between the time that he's old enough to talk about Uncle Charles and old enough to understand that he shouldn't. Erik's interactions with Kurt are so lovely -- this fragile little thing that he loves and has no idea how to love, is jealous of while knowing the kind of person that makes him.

Actually I love Erik's interactions with everyone -- Raven, Rogue, Emma. I'm usually such a Charles fangirl but your Erik has really won me over. Not that I don't still adore Charles -- you have a really great Charles, btw, I love that you've kept his boundless enthusiasm and buy-the-world-a-Coke attitude while still... how to phrase this. Many fics, perfectly enjoyable fics in their way, make Charles into this adorable little kitten (sometimes literally, lol), whereas your Charles may be adorable but is definitely still a MAN. I salute you for that.

/waits ever-so-patiently for next update

Thank you so much! You know I love your writing, so this makes me super happy :)

I think one of the most fun things in this fic has been taking some common tropes and turning them on their head - Erik is keeping Charles captive, but it's for his own good. Erik takes over the country and does a good job, because he's eminently capable of it, given the chance, but he so rarely is. I'm enjoying it immensely!

I can't take credit for the name thing - that was suggested by the fabulous

oxys_kai_moros, who came up with a far better reason than I would have. It did allow me then to have that little angsty faceslap in there for Charles, too, which just drives home the reality of his situation that little bit further.

One of the things I really wanted to do in this fic - and to a certain effect in all of my fics, though some of my pornfills may do this more or less than others - is keep Charles' masculinity and maleness intact. He has broad shoulders and man's hands, and he's handsome but he's not waifish. He's a strong, independent person, and I hope that's reflected here.

There will be another update on Friday as usual pending disaster, so you'll have to be patient a few more days :D

*silently curses her iTunes for playing "Mad World" at the end right there*

Lovely as ever, hon.

I think by the time I got here: Sometimes Erik hates the fact that he loves that he has, by default, become nearly everything to Charles. But that’s hard to remember when they’re not fighting, when he feels like he has everything he has ever wanted. I just wanted to curl p with both of these men and wish them a life where there weren't politics going on outside of their apartment because it's just complicating so much of what they do have together. The other part of me knows that without the political, they wouldn't be in this place to begin with, but that's just me wanting to split hairs (oh man, this is the sign that I am a political scientist at heart, FUCKIN' AYE!)

It's a really slow and delicate process to watch Erik come around to some of Charles' ideas, however, and a testament to what their relationship is now compared to where he was--not just in the physical sense but in the intellectual sense.

Thanks, bb :)

There's a real change in this update that was really interesting to try and balance out, because finally Erik has dropped his defensiveness even on political matters and he and Charles can discuss and debate things without it devolving into an argument (at least politically.) There's this dynamic change that has been waiting in the wings for a while that has finally arrived.

I'm really loving this story; the politics, the relationships, the plot (in general).

But, the thing is, I'm actually starting to get really frustrated with Charles' situation. I understand Erik's reasoning for keeping Charles in the apartment, and I get how love can drive you to do really strange things, but right now I'm counting down the updates until Charles will finally be free. Charles is losing so much--his home, his life, his work...and he's bring driven mad by the isolation that is being forced on him.

With every update, I feel as though I'm being driven mad by it as well. I'm waiting for the day when kisses and intimate touches won't be enough to soothe Charles anymore.

At times, Erik comes off as very selfish. He is unknowingly pushing Charles further and further away from society, and making himself the center of Charles' world. And that scene with Kurt just kind of reinforces that. He's feeling jealous because Charles pays some of the attention he would usually give to him, to Kurt. And I feel that is incredibly selfish of him, considering how much Charles has already given up at this point.

And I know this review comes off sounding very bitter, but I assure you, I really do love your story. I'm just feeling very frustrated (Which is actually a good thing, because it means you're doing a well enough job that I have formed strong opinions about it!). But keep up the good work! :)

Without giving away any spoilers, hang on with me just a leeeeetle bit longer, and I promise you will get everything you want (I hope!)

Erik is selfish, because he wants so much and he is in a position where he can take it. That said, it's not unusual for new fathers, for example, to feel jealous of their own children and the attention given to them by the mother, which is what I was going for, though it's not quite that relationship, obviously.

Erik has never really had anything that was his, just his, and he's lived so long in isolated desolation in his head that he's grabbing at this thing that he is being offered, that he can have, and he doesn't know how to not hold on too tightly, especially when Charles is reciprocating. He's not really emotionally experienced enough to make that distinction. Which is the source of a lot of their problems, really.

I'm glad you feel strongly about it! I hope you continue to do so and that you enjoy where we're about to go :)

I love the balance in this update between Erik's turmoil with all of the political machinations, and Charles. How Charles helps him out -- kind of as an Unofficial Envoy of the Human Race, haha. He and Erik just...balance each other out. As much as Erik probably likes to think he is dependant on no one, we can see how good Charles is for him. But how is he good for Charles, is the question. Erik just has so much to giiivee, I just wish it wasn't to his locked-up live-in boyfriend. Let him publish his stupid articles, Erik!

The politics vs personal was really tough for me this week, so I'm really glad that worked for you! In regards to the papers - Erik is doing it to keep Charles safe. He really does have a good reason, even if the result is harsh. But there's only so safe he can keep Charles before he starts smothering him.

I sent you an email.

It would be so easy to say yes, to give him what he wants, to earn a smile that spreads across Charles’ mobile face, to light up those eyes and not worry about the consequences of agreeing, except that the only thing Erik fears more than failing the nation of people under his care is losing Charles, enough that sometimes he wakes up and has to lie about his dreams so that Charles won’t know how many times he’s seen those same eyes wide and staring and emptied of love, how many ways. Bullets, fire, sickness, accidents - or even just Charles choosing for once and for all to walk away, sick of Erik and his bullshit and his possessiveness, getting out somehow and vanishing, never letting Erik know if he’s alive or dead, just disappearing one day, as though he’d never been here at all.

.
I am trying to muster up the courage that I Erik would need if that were to happen. I'd totally break along with him.
In my opinion(and many others, I'd assume), Charles is everything to Erik. But deep within me, I feel that Erik isn't everything to Charles; ~~no, I know that Erik isn't everything to Charles (being the captor that he is).~~ It just breaks my heart a little to know that.

Charles craves freedom. Charles craves to live. He wants his work back, his life back, almost everything back to the way it was. And he deserves that. It was and still is his life to live.

But Erik craves Charles. Needs Charles like he had never needed anything in his life, needs him like a shadow needs light. And that kinda hurts.

I'm not belittling Charles' feelings for Erik. I understand that he feels constricted, and he is, forced into isolation as it is, but I do hope that he really does love Erik like he says he does, what with him being uncertain of his own feelings when he confessed back then. ~~that part just screamed stockholm syndrome, but maybe i'm biased~~

I don't really know where my point lies in this rant, but I suspect that Erik is ~~taking the brunt of the incoming hit he's going to be dealt with~~ going to be hurt. A lot.

I read this fic's beginning again and I would assume that it lies somewhere in the future where Raven has passed. Charles is still trapped. And is a shell of what he was(he's somewhat closed off) and Erik's stubborn in not letting go.

Based on that, the future doesn't seem too bright for both of them. And that worries me.

Thank you so much for this lovely comment - I'm so glad you're so engaged with the fic, it's not a rant.

You're quite right - the problem between them at this point is that while Erik is where he has always wanted to be, the issue of Charles' freedom will always come between them, and the fact he loves Erik can never blot that out. It's so complicated for them both :(

I really hope you keep enjoying it and stick with me to see where we go.

I'm still amazed how good your fic manages to stay when it's so long :)
I'm really enjoying it (as always) ^___^

Thank you, sweetie, what a lovely comment! I hope you keep enjoying it, we're most of the way through now :3

The "Am I the Jew in your basement?" line hit me like a freight train.

My god, the layers upon layers in that single statement...

round 3 overflow post

FILL: Everyday Love in Stockholm 161/?

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