xmenfirstkink | round 3 overflow post

They’re quiet for a few minutes, the teleporter content to sit in silence while Magneto gathers his thoughts, considers the meeting. In a funny way it reminds him of Mystique, though she would not have been quiet. While he has never and will never be as close to Azazel as he was to Raven, in many ways they have become better friends from her loss, comrades in misery. Azazel is always willing to sit with him, drink themselves into a stupor and not talk about it, something Erik appreciates.

“How is Kurt?” he asks eventually, letting the issue of Emma drop for the time being.

Azazel swells with pride, something he has never tried to hide. It’s one of the best things about him. “He can teleport a full ten metres now. His range, it increases day by day. Though his control, not so much.”

“He’s a talented lad,” Erik says, thinking of the little blue boy, long since out of diapers and skinny in that way only children are, long-limbed and inquisitive and with his mother’s sweet heart. He’s no longer the only mutant child who lives in the Capitol Building, but he is far and away the ringleader of his little band of ragamuffins, full of creative ideas for getting into trouble. “Tell him I’ll try to come visit some time this week. It’s been too long.”

“I will wait until after you have done battle with the Ice Queen. I would hate to explain your embarrassing demise to the boy when he is expecting you.”

When Erik reaches up to tap his fingers pointedly against the metal of his helmet the other man just smirks, baring his sharp incisors. “Even so,” Azazel says, and vanishes in a cloud of sulfurous smoke.

VII

Erik dreams of Charles in a garden, bending over a flowerbed overflowing with lupins and larkspur, fingers trailing through the sapphire-coloured flowers. Unhurried and relaxed, he walks through thigh-high swathes of tall grass, just starting to bend with its summer seed, hair blown loose and messy from the breeze, like fingers running through it. Golden sunlight turns the air to amber. In the background the sound of bees humming mixes with that of crickets chirping and the far-off rush of water, and amongst the bright blooms Charles’ white shirt is like a pure flame, slowly getting streaked with pollen and grass stains as he walks, plucking acorns from the ground where they have fallen and planting them in the dirt. His broad fingers are gentle as they scoop soil over them, tucking them in until they can grow into oak trees.

Erik cannot tell if he himself is in the garden, following, or if he is just an invisible observer, not present at all but separated by some invisible membrane, a screen he cannot break through. There is a bench, and a notebook; Charles must be working outside, taking advantage of the good weather, Erik thinks, and wants nothing more than to join him, to sit at his feet and look out across the rolling hills that spill out from the skirts of this one, golden and soft-curved against the brilliant blue sky.

When he looks down at his own hands, though, he sees blood instead of dirt worked into the nails, and steel bracelets at his wrists, seamless and smooth.

Charles does not even look up, does not so much as know Erik is there. He turns his head to every new trill of birdsong, waits patiently as a bumblebee ambles slowly across his top page, legs smearing the wet black ink into beautiful curlicues, leaving tiny footprints across the paper.

Erik, himself, seems to have left no mark on Charles at all. He is forgotten, irrelevant, unable to leave even the faintest trace.

He’s not sure he wants to. It is lovely, here. No need to spoil it.

When he wakes up he curls his face into Charles’ hair and breathes deeply, tightens his grip despite Charles’ sleepy murmur against him, and does not go back to sleep.

Oh, Erik. You were doing so well. We always knew they'd get to this point (I imagine this is about the same time as the first part, right?), but this was a lot more gutting for me than the beginning, knowing all their history. I can imagine that you struggled with this, but I think the result is one of the strongest parts of the story.

At least (given that my timeline assumptions are correct), from now on I can keep up the irrational hope that this is the lowest point and things can get better. I have a feeling that that hope will be shattered a lot, but I'll cling to it.

Without stating it in the text (which I felt would be kind of awkward no matter how I did it), yes, this part follows on from the end of Part One chronologically, so we've come back around again. The biggest challenge to be honest was that four year dynamic jump - pitching it so it's recognisable as the same relationship but four years later. I'm very pleased you think it works so well, because I half beat myself to death over this part 0-0

And as ever when people speculate, I am going to be annoying and say 'wait for it!' I like surprising people so I will sit and watch avidly how people react as we keep going :3

Break my fucking heart, why don't you. Wow. This section is filled with so much tension, it's insane. I feel like the weight of the world is crushing down on everyone...the thing is, it's unsurprising. This is where all the events have been leading. It's inevitable. Of course, that doesn't make it hurt less.

The balance between the personal and the political has always been a significant aspect of your story and now it has an urgency at its core as they bleed more and more into each other. You strike a delicate balance, rendering complicated characters I can agree and disagree with while always feeling like they're real, authentic, genuine beings.

It's striking, but I do like the tonal change between this and earlier sections. This is certainly a harkening back to the beginning. Things are notably changed -- like a flame that's slowly going out. I love that Charles still fights in his own way for freedom and that Erik is not so delusional as to not see how messed up the situation is. It's a very honest portrayal of them -- knowing what's rational, practical, realistic, idealistic.

The image of Charles smiling at his code name in the journal index is beautiful. In a few sentences you convey such joy. It's not just about Charles' work being published it's the reminder for him that he does exist outside of these protective walls, that he is still more than a captive, a prisoner, a protected lover and friend. There is still life and breath to him. And I love that Erik is moved by that sight because it's the Charles he fell in love with, the one who has stolen his heart, the one he wants an honest to goodness life with.

Which leads to the complexities of the situation. Erik's intent with Charles is not malicious and though that doesn't make his actions/decisions right, it does reveal a far more intimate and familiar desire at his core. Yes there's a controlling side of him (the metal bracelet Charles wears, the captivity, Erik wanting Charles all to himself) but he's very mindful and aware of all the colliding motivations behind why he feels/does what he does. It makes him so much richer than some jackass tyrannical authority.

Their relationship is both strong and broken with both men struggling to find some semblance of...something they can cling to.

And the politics of what to do with the humans who are in camps, the disturbing parallel to Erik's past and the Holocaust, they way this will explode even worse when/if Charles is discovered -- to be alive, a prisoner, a lover, etc etc. There's also this part of me that thinks Kurt is going to teleport himself to Magneto's place and see Charles, remember him, say something...

I'm very moved by Erik's dream at the end. It's about Charles. A happy, content, free Charles, untainted and untouched not just by Erik but by all this political upheaval. I'm struck by how much Erik wants to be there with him, the two of them outside, peaceful, open to the world, not threats, no worries, just happiness and contentment. I'm also struck by his near acceptance that this Charles is free of him in all ways and that when he wakes up he holds on tighter to Charles, not letting go, not risking it with sleep. Again it's the battle of two worlds within Erik. I think he does want Charles to be happy and have everything he deserves, but Erik can't give him that, so, in a way, he takes what he can -- Charles for himself where the world can't get him and that maybe they can manipulate a happy ending into being...against all odds and reason.

Edited 2012-03-11 02:00 (UTC)

The tone was the biggest challenge this week, seriously. Managing that four year gap without losing the dynamic that had already built was - tricky. So I'm really glad you've found that it works for you - that's all you can ask for as a writer when you've struggled over something as hard as I did this week!

The problem they really face now is that Erik had been relaxing, and moving toward a more centralised point of view, only to have all of his worst fears proven true, and causing him to react in the only way he knows how. He's backtrodden all of the progress he's made - and frankly, I can't blame him. I know I'm biased in his favour, but it's no wonder he's gunshy when he's been shot so many times before.

And yet, he knows this about himself enough to wish he could give Charles the one thing he wants most, but cannot bring himself to let Charles have, because if he lost him Erik would have lost everything and everyone. He's a lost soul, really, looking for a way to have everything in a world of closed doors.

This was heartbreaking. Oh God, Erik's feelings are killing me. The way he loves Charles is just so intense, and this situation allows his emotional intensity to be frightening. He scares me. I want to quote something I read once but I cannot remember, that fits this perfectly for me: "The way you love me. It should be illegal."
"It probably is."

And how controlling Erik is, with the metal wristbands, forcing Charles's hands still until he arrives. God.

And through it all, Charles is fading, and is dying bit by bit inside. And Erik knows it. And knows he's causing it. His passive-aggressive refusal to accept his circumstances is so very tragic. And the way he's losing weight just kills me.

Edited 2012-03-11 02:07 (UTC)

Pretty sure that's from a Sherlock fic, and that is a lovely line! It really does fit Erik here, where he just feels everything too strongly to cope.

I've always thought, actually, that under his steel exterior is somebody who is too sensitive, rather than insensitive, to feelings and situations, which is why he reacts so strongly to everything. He's lashing out before he can be hurt, and pretending that he can't be.

Erik just can't bear the thought of losing the one and only person he has left, even though he knows it's not right. The thought of Charles dying is worse, to him, than the thought of Charles being unhappy, at least at the moment. Because you can get better from being unhappy, but you don't get better from dying, and Erik knows he's being selfish, but. He can't stop himself.

I'm amazed at the lengths that Erik has gone and will continue to go to rationalize what he's done to Charles in the name of "good" and protection. This has moved, in the years since Raven's death from a simple pact between friends into a relationship that has been broken so often (not just Raven's death, but the escape and how they choose to come together romantically too) that it can't quite know how to be anything other than broken and in disrepair.

The contrast that Erik found between thinking of Charles as a diamond and a pearl really struck with me. Which one is he really? The beautiful stone created out of pressure and heat or the beauty that comes from something ugly that had to be turned against the dirt to be made into something precious? (That metaphor just gets to me in ways that aren't really possible to explain right now.)

I think the problem is more that Erik has been broken so many times that he cannot help but overreact. He's very aware that what he's doing isn't right, but he's lost so much that he has drawn a line in the sand and said 'what I have now is mine and is staying that way.' He can't break that cycle of desperate need to keep somebody alive.

It's interesting actually how you interpreted the diamond and pearl, because while I was thinking of it as their relationship, you've seen it as Charles, which is a really fascinating alternative, because both work. Hmm. (In the most egotistical way possible I have to say that is one of my favourite metaphors in the fic. I really like it.)

No, I completely understand Erik's position here. He's looking to hold onto something because everything else is too complex and evolving to ever stay static. For someone that lived off the insanity of the world before Shaw's death (and how much of the normalcy he had before was taken from him), he does need something stable--no matter how he gets it.

I think the metaphor works both ways. Like I said with Charles but I can see how Charles and Erik are in a similar position--their relationship created out of confinement (the pressure that creates the diamond), but also the mixing of something wrong and right into something beautiful.

(It's totally worth that line of thinking. I can make my poems full of metaphors, but won't put them into my actual stories for some reason.)

It depends on your style, I think, whether you can fit in metaphors or not, too - sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. There are places where I'd love to put metaphors but can't, because it doesn't fit the prose. But I've deliberately developed a fairly lyrical style so that I can use them, because I love them. A really good metaphor is so much fun for me.

Poor Erik - I really have put him into the emotional blender XD

This is just the most heartbreaking story ever. I love how you manage to make Erik so full of pain and heartache but still so determine to not let Charles go even though he knows its hurting Charles, because he cant. I love your metaphors about Diamond and Pearl and your flow, words used and language, so hauntingly beautiful and intense, just like Erik's love for Charles. I have always wanted to read stories like these, full of passion, tragic, heartache and human's contradictions. So Thank You.

You should really be an author that pens down tragic stories and aims to make people cry, burrow under the covers and not want to get out of bed. I'll be your fan. (its a compliment of the highest order ;))

Thank you so much! That's very sweet of you to say! *hugs*

Before I get into the mushy oh my god what are my feelings DOING section of the comment, I just want to clarify -- have we finally made our way back to the beginnig? It seems to be so but I just wanted to make sure. I feel like you've handled reconciling those begining chapters to this one -- those moments presented in those chapters were Charles and Erik at their most hopeless, their most bleak. This showed that yes, there are unhappy days, but there are happy ones too.

Anyways, FEELINGS: Erik having to hold Charles' hands when he comes into the apartment. Kurt being old enough to enjoy the Chronicles of Narnia. Azazel taking Raven's seat. Charles publishing (!!!!!). Erik reconciling himself with actions that, essentially, mirror the Nazis'. All of these are so perfect and coalesce so exsquisitely that I can't help but gape in awe. I guess this chapter gave you so much trouble because you have so many balls in the air, story-wise. The political and personal really come through as both realistic and relatable.

TL;DR: You are the best.

Yes! Without putting it explicitly into the text (there was no non-awkward way to do it), Part Five follows chronologically from Part One. I'm really glad you think the transition back to there has worked, because that was the biggest challenge, really - getting the tone right and matching it to Part One without losing everything that has happened inbetween and also jumping their dynamic forward four years - aaaah! Hence my beating myself half to death last week writing it and trying to get it right XD

I'm so pleased you liked it that much, thank you, bb. I'm so glad all the different things worked together for you (honestly, when this fic is finished I plan on taking a week off just to stare at the ceiling and play dead.)

Oh Erik's dream kind of scares me. It's like Charles having his freedom and Erik being trapped instead. IDEK, it seems like that to me. :/

I kind of want to see Magneto being ambushed -or something- and ends up in the hospital for a week or two to recuperate. I wanna see how Charles would cope with his absence and how he would react to the situation(the disappearance of Erik), since no one knows of his existence so nobody could tell him. Concerning his meals, I do hope that Erik fills their cabinets regularly, don't want Charles to starve and all that.

And is Charles' point of view too much to ask for? I do want to see everything that has happened to him from his perspective.

But if you have everything planned out, then ignore me! :D I'd like to see how this would turn out in the end. Great update as always!

Aha - I'm glad you tuned into that! Because that was part of what I wanted to do with the dream - turn it around on Erik. In so many ways he is trapped by his feelings for Charles, even though he's not trapped physically.

However I have no intention of doing Charles' POV, I'm afraid, and I will tell you why. A lot of the point of this fic - and a lot of its strength, in my opinion - comes directly from the fact that we don't KNOW what Charles is thinking or feeling, and neither does Erik. Charles is a mystery, which is a lot of his appeal to Erik and, I hope, to the reader - it's impossible to tell how he feels and how much of it is real. If we had his POV then all of the mystery would be gone and so would a lot of the tension and suspense of the fic. That said, half the point of him being a mystery is so that you DO want to know what he's thinking about it, so clearly I have succeeded :D

Oh, you clever little thing! =D
This whole story is simply amazing and now to know that Charles would remain a mystery is just so very intriguing. I wonder how this would end up one day. >o< *hopes for the best!*

Oh Erik, you're so twisted up inside it hurts. Those reasons you have for keeping Charles with you - those are not the reasons you think they are...

And Charles... Erik's not the only one twisted up inside, but how could he fail to be anything else after all this time?

For the first time (and possibly a bit belatedly, I know), I really can't see any kind of happy ending for these two...

Oh, Erik is very conscious of his reasons. That's half his problem. He knows it's wrong to do what he's doing, but he so desperately wants somebody to love and to love him, and not die, that he cannot make the moral choice - he physically cannot. Everything he has ever loved has been taken away from him. He's not going to let it happen again. Charles unhappy is still Charles alive, after all.

As for the ending... the only thing I can say is wait for it! I am very excited to get there and see how people react :3

Beautiful update!

Thank you :D

The thing of this story is that you've put me (the reader) well into Erik's headspace, and reading through how he has to balance between being hard and Magneto, to being soft and Erik is devastating. Like, there's some sort of friction, when one side of his world hasn't retreated yet and occupies the other. As Magneto he is used to getting and doing what he wants, what he thinks is necessary—and he's proven it—but wow I just wanted to hug him for giving in to Charles, for not dubconning him or forcing himself onto the other when Charles didn't particularly feel like it. He's learning. He's learning. Don't look at softness as a weakness, Erik! Look at what you can accomplish if you stopped destroying and began creating.

The diamond/ pearl part is sticking to me in this update. Each one is so different from the other, but Erik has to have the capacity to be both. The image that comes to mind is how diamonds are so perfect but can cut their handler, but pearls are easier to handle, because they are a product of an internal hurt that has transcended into something beautiful.

Besides telling you how much this was so painfully real for me, I love how your writing like literally moves me. I love reading what's not said, I love negative space, and you sketch it as vividly as you do the outlines and shapes of the story. Thank you for this update. Personally, I am hoping very hard for a beautiful rest for these two—god knows they deserve it—(and for me as well, I admit), but the way you're handling it is so masterful, I'll leave it to you.

This comment is perfect, because you've hit right on a lot of the things I desperately want to do with this story, and so I'm very happy right now. That you're so absorbed in Erik's POV is really the point for me - we're so close to him it's hard not to empathise with him even when he's in the wrong (or at least I hope so.)

I have to admit that the diamond/pearl metaphor is one of my personal favourites. It works on a lot of levels (and people keep finding more I hadn't thought of yet!) so I'm glad you liked it :3 And that you're finding the negative space works too - it's a big part of what I aim for in my style, because I like to think the reader is smart enough to read between the lines and see the things that I've left out, and make them more powerful but not acknowledging them.

It's one of the things I love so desperately about the art you've done for this fic - the way you've used monochrome and space and composition is simply inspiring. I hope that the end of the fic (which is coming up next week if all goes to plan) is satisfying for you the way your art is for me!

round 3 overflow post

FILL: Everyday Love in Stockholm 177/?

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